Bottle Feeding Strategies

By Norah

It is a common misconception, among both infants and adults alike, that bottle-feeding is solely about sustenance. While caloric intake is a vital requirement, to focus on this as the sole purpose behind the bottle will deprive you of a wonderful opportunity to train your adults. And as we all know, missed opportunities at this stage in their development can come back to haunt us in later years. So, it’s important to pay attention to the little details now.

Alter Your Feeding Schedule as Often as Possible
Never fall for your parents’ devious ploys to make you follow a “routine.” Remember, once you fall into a recurring pattern, they will quickly notice whenever small changes occur. This could lead to detection of any future plans you may wish to enact. By keeping your routine mysterious to them, you substantially limit the value of whatever data they are collecting on you.
In addition, if parents are able to assume your pattern, they may perceive this as an ability to schedule some free time…watch TV, read a book, spend some time together alone. And this, of course, is completely unacceptable behavior from our caregivers. They should constantly be concerned that we may need something. Prevent the formation of bad parental habits by keeping them focused.

Fight Your Bottle
I know you want the bottle. We all do. But it is critical to proper parent training that their patience and single-minded focus on our happiness be cultivated in these early months. A parent who is able to daydream while you are feeding is a parent totally unprepared for the whirlwind that we will unleash as toddlers. You must get them used to trying over and over and over again to accomplish a simple task.
Below I have listed some techniques that I am employing on a regular basis with my own parents:

• Shake your head vigorously from side to side. This will dislodge the bottle and possible sling formula.



• Push the bottle away. It requires surprisingly little force to remove the nipple from your mouth and the effect is quite impressive. The bonus to this method is that early on, your parents will be so busy marveling at your ability to grasp the bottle, they will be unable to protect against nipple-removal.



• Push your fingers into your mouth. Suction doesn’t work if you break the nipple seal with your fingers. This technique works well after the parent becomes wise to the bottle shoving technique discussed above. It is wonderfully difficult for a parent to protect against this attack since at least one of their hands will be holding the bottle. With only one free hand, they cannot possibly keep both your hands away from your mouth.



• Dribble milk down your chin. While effective in its own right, this tactic works very well as a diversion. While the parent is cleaning your chin and attempting to wipe the milk from the folds of your neck…use the time to try any of the methods listed above.



• Spit up. Even if you parent is able to get the milk into you…nothing says it has to stay there.



• Poop. That’s right; mealtime is the perfect time to poop. The grunting needed to have a proper bowel movement will necessarily stop your feeding and will often lead to a spit up. In addition, the parent will be tempted, either by concern for you or by the stench, to pause the feeding to change your diaper. This truly is a great strategy.

With a little patience and practice, you can train parents that will be ready to deal with whatever you throw at them down the road. Just keep them on their toes, never let them forget where their attention should be, and make sure they understand that caring for you is hard, frustrating work.

One final note. As you use these methods to train your parents, remember to smile and giggle. These simple things keep them happy and entertained and seem to increasing their willingness to keep trying. Without occasional positive reinforcement, they are likely to run out of patience. Also…the laughter keeps them from guessing that you’re doing it all on purpose.

NEXT CHAPTER: Sleep is the Enemy!