Monday, June 19, 2006

The Dongle Test and Cardboard Joy

Failing the Dongle Test

Construction on the Ass House next door has stepped up a notch or two. Most days find a crew of workers running about and the frame of the home-to-be is very near complete. We’re hoping the loud aspects of construction will be complete by the time Pumkin moves into the nursery, which has a window facing directly onto the chaos. I can’t help but think that hammers and Bobcats a few feet from the window would affect Pumkin’s sleep schedule.

It was these carpenters that inspired the dongle test.

In addition to Pumkin’s nursery, there are several windows in our house that face directly toward Mr. And Mrs. Ass’s work zone. One of them is the bathroom. For years, I have not been too concerned about the bathroom window, despite that fact that our neighbors are at most fifteen feet away. The glass is frosted and I took comfort in the assumption that the frosted glass product had been designed specifically for this type of use. Last week however, Moonshot mentioned that she would like to get a curtain for the bathroom window.

“Why? There’s frosted glass.” I responded.

“During the day there are construction workers right outside the window,” she replied. “I know the glass blurs everything, but I'd rather be able to pull it shut completely.”

We’ve been hesitant in the past to block the window because the bathroom is very small. The logic had been that the light from the window made it feel more spacious. But, her request made perfect sense given the shirtless carpenter working three feet from the window.

So, on her next trip to Home Depot, she grabbed a basic-looking white curtain. It was sheer, but we figured it would add enough to the existing protection to make our decency assured. I hung it on Saturday morning and neither of us was particularly impressed; the sheerness being even sheerer than we had expected. So sheer in fact that we wondered if it would really do anything. We decided to wait until the evening and test it under the worst possible conditions…bright inside, dark outside. This was dubbed the “dongle test.”

As mentioned in a previous blog, we ended up going out to Duke and Pinky’s place that night and we didn’t return until about 1 am…very late for a pregnant Moonshot. The storm was still spitting a steadily stream of rain so Moonshot voted to wait until the next night. I figured if we needed a thicker curtain, I’d like to know now so we could buy a new one tomorrow and still have time to install it by the time the workers showed up Monday. In addition to this logic, I occasionally develop a perverse attraction to miserable tasks. I can’t explain it, but at that moment the idea of stumbling exhaustedly into the rain to look into our window sounded like a mini-adventure to me…something I’d be proud of making myself do after I had done it. I can’t explain it, but it’s one of the reasons I trudged out into the storm, so I include it here for clarity.

Anyway, I marched into the darkness with one of our portable phones so that I could talk to Moonshot and have her swish the curtain open and closed to display the different effects. Our first test was with the curtain closed. I could easily see Moonshot’s outline as she moved about the bathroom getting ready for bed, but nothing graphic, just a vaguely human shape. I told her the sheer fabric was doing nothing, but in the interest of science, she pulled the fabric to the side just to make sure.

Moonshot proves the uselessness of the frosted glass.It was there, with rain dripping down my face that I realized that the sheer fabric had, in fact, been doing a great deal. Without the curtain, I could suddenly see the exact line on Moonshot’s toothbrush where the bristles turned blue. Everything look a little blurry…but more like “I took off my reading glasses” blurry instead of the “total lack of detail” blurry I had expected. I thought of my toilet, positioned so that my urinating form was perfectly framed in profile inches away from the glass…so as to maximize detail. For five years I’ve been using that bathroom. By calculations I’ve done in the meantime, I figured an average of two nighttime pees a day. Over the course of my residence there I come up with 3,560 peepshows I’ve flashed toward Mr. and Mrs. Ass. Even if I take into effect Moonshot’s belief that people don’t usually spend a lot of time looking out their window at night…that’s a whole lot of opportunities to catch a good glimpse. I’ve been calling my neighbor Mr. Ass; I can now only cringe and wonder what they must be calling me. Images of poor Mrs. Ass making her way to their kitchen for a late night snack, only to lose her appetite after coming face to face with an all too personal image of…well…all of me.

So, to any guy out there who has spent some evening time in the upstairs Gren bathroom…congratulations, you’re an exhibitionist! If you’re not ok with that…feel free to make use of the new, super-thick curtains on you next visit.

The Joy Of A Good Cardboard Box

Excitement in the Gren house: baby shower presents have begun to roll in. In addition to the child items mentioned previously, we now have a cool baby gate from our friend Ben, a high chair from Husker and Panache, and a fun assortment of books and socks and onesies from Elsa and Taltap. Thanks to all of you. But, the real treat in these arrivals was the box for the high chair. Moonshot noticed it first and commented that it was a good box for playin’ in. And she was right. It’s a shame that so many of the items you need for your baby come in boxes that your baby would love if it s/he were only a few years older. It seemed like such a waste of a perfectly good fort to just throw it out. So we instead decided to bring it out to O’Fallon with us and see if Duke and Pinky’s toddler, Superfly would enjoy it. He’s about to turn three but to my knowledge has never had to joy of playing with a large box. So I folded it up and threw it in the back seat where it traveled out to O’Fallon with us this weekend. I’ll admit I was a little afraid we would get looks that said, “why are you bringing your trash to our house.” And while a few of the people there did give us exactly that look, both Duke and Pinky were excited to see if their Superfly would take a shine to the new toy.

Duke raided his toolbox and I attacked the folded cardboard with duck tape and a razor knife. I taped the top shut and taped the bottom flaps down to add some extra height to the enclosure. I cut him a door in the front, a large fold down window in the back and a double shutter style window on one side. I put little finger holes in each flap so he could open and close them with ease. It’d been a while since I made a box fort…but it all came back to me pretty quickly.

When the project was complete, we set the fort in the living room, showed it to Superfly, and waited expectantly. He couldn’t have cared less. He was far more interested in all the people in the house, far more interested in running around the room. Rack showcases the box's roomy interior Our friend, Rack tried to showcase the boxes finer points…but Superfly remained disinterested. His little brother, Mr. Chubbers, crawled over to the box and grew curious about the door, swinging it open and shut on its cardboard hinge. But he was a bit too young to really put the enclosure to good use so we returned our attention to young Superfly. We lured the distracted toddler in by throwing a favorite toy inside. He retrieved it quickly and left. It was time for drastic measures.

I hid behind the box with a few stuffed animals and began a peek-a-boo style puppet show. I called him to the front door with an Elmo and then proceeded to jump from window to window. With two windows in which to appear in, and three characters (Elmo, a friendly looking kangaroo, and me) I could throw in enough variation to keep his focus on the show. The wonder of the box began to dawn on him…he got interested. He sat in the cardboard doorway and watched the show and laughed, his eyes darting from window to window. Slowly, cautiously he made his way into the box just as Duke’s father deposited a flashlight through an open window. Superfly turned on the flashlight and suddenly the box made sense to him. He sprang up and shut all the openings. Superfly lights his box with his glowing cheeksLight flashed from under the box and Superfly could be heard laughing from within. Friends and grandparents flung open windows; Superfly would giggle and slam the window shut again. Someone would sneak a stuffed animal through a window; Superfly would laugh and throw it out the door. Grandpa made his cheeks glow with the flashlight; Superfly giggled and proceeded to shove the flashlight into his mouth in an attempt to duplicate the effect.

It’ll be a little while before a box becomes a space ship or a castle for Superfly, but even without such imaginative storylines, he (like nearly every child before him) had succumb to the irresistible joy of a good cardboard box.


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4 comments:

Moksha Gren said...

Sounds fun, spend some quality time with Matthew McConaughey. And I guess they've never complained. So, maybe they'd enjoy a little bongo show.

Anonymous said...

Sir Moksha, I take umbrage! UMBRAGE!! The box (and the high chair that came in it) are also from me and FreddyJ.
On second thought, you may not have received anything indicating exactly who contributed to the box (and high chair), such as a card. I will temporarily give back the umbrage I took until the truth of this matter can be ascertained.
Regarding the window...I believe I have taken showers in that bathroom sans curtain after dark. Being a female, some of my best assets may have been on display. :) Hope the neighbors enjoyed the show.

Moksha Gren said...

Mouse,
Thank you for returning the umbrage you so impulsively stole. We did not receieve a card with the high chair and I knew that your folks had been asking if it had arrived. I therefore assumed that the gift was from them alone. I humbly apologize for the error. So, Pumkin thanks you for the wonderful high chair and Superfly thanks you for the glorious box.

As for the topless theater you've been putting on for our neighbors...two points. First, I don't think showerers stand quite close enough to the glass to afford the clear view that urinators do. Secondly, if I were Mr. or Mrs. Ass and had to choose between seeing Moksha's lower half or Mouse's best assets...I don't think I'd have to think very long about that. So on their behalf (the neighbors', that is) I thank you for the wonderful display.

Cheeseburger Brown said...

Moksha,

I'm sorry cellophaning your window did not make as significant a dent in its translucensce as one would've hoped. Perhaps you could try the "I have absolutely no pretentions of class" route and just use aluminium foil. I'm not suggesting you have have pretentions of class, you understand -- you've got no need to be class-defensive -- I'm just saying if you were suddenly struck with the idea of doing something both cheap and ugly, foil is always there for you.

Good call on the box. A childhood without playing in a box is like a translucent washroom window with no attractive nudes behind it. Er. To coin an awkward phrase.

Love,
CheeseburgerBrown